Broken Heart

Having just finished reading the melancholic novel The Past by Alan Pauls, where the author tries to rethink the laws of love, I have  reconnected with the painful experience of having a so-called ‘broken heart’.

Many of us, like the main character Rimini, face this devastating experience in our journey in living. It is not uncommon then to question ‘What is love” or even worse, ‘How can I carry on without my love?’ What are we to do with photos, money, property, videos and all the future plans that are shattered into pieces?

Self-destruction, addiction, desperation, and loneliness might become flavours of our daily existence where remembering our lost love seems to be like inflicting torture. Friends, and others too, tell us to get over it, to not be so self-obsessed, and move on – advice given without knowing exactly what we are missing. In fact, ‘the sea is full of fish’ is a popular saying that shows up that for many, relationships are seen as commodities. Relationships segue into sex and moving on, as we can’t waste any time with losers, and intimacy is seen as a sign of weakness. We need to be strong, independent and successful!

I have experienced in my life much suffering where life no longer seems to belong to me and to my present but to my past – and with clients in my therapeutic practice. People really can become ghosts of their pasts and life loses its colour. We can be seen as almost dead beings, because of an attachment to a past now gone.

Thinking, imagining, daydreaming about what your ex-lover might be doing at any moment can be a constant living nightmare. Distractions are useful as long as you are able to engage fully in the activity. Arts, exercise, work, addictions seem the most common distractions. Nevertheless, nothing replaces or substitutes for the gap of the missing loved one.

So it seems that learning to live with the pain and the absence constitutes the way forward. If you can still entertain the hope of new loving possibilities you might have a less painful ride.

As psychotherapists at Regents Practice in London we could offer you space and time for you to grieve your loss and help you to reconnect with some hope and meaning of your present and future life.

PS: ‘Jose, Joselito, dorminoquinho … gone but alive...

Marco Cortez

Psychotherapist/Counsellor

Regent’s Practice in London W1

http://www.regentspractice.co.uk/

 

Busy, Stressed and Tired

It seems that ‘busy, stressed and tired’ define most Londoners’ daily existence. And sometimes the thought of ending everything can be quite tempting as the painful cycle will be over forever.

In fact, suicide tends to rise in periods of economic crises, where the pressures can be overwhelming. Josephine King uses her current exhibition at Riflemaker to disclose some meaning to her difficult existence. King uses ink on paper to describe living a manic existence with depression. Suicide seems an alternative, which will stop her suffering - and makes us wonder about what is the point of living too. She also confronts us with strong language – ‘my suicide attempt in December 2005’; ‘slashed my wrists’ – which reveals her as a human being in great despair trying to create enough meaning to carry on living. It made me think that free time, caring and human contact can be more precious than any drugs (prescribed or illegal) as we crave for meaningful connections and love.

Friends, lovers, relatives and strangers are the most obvious people to look to for that caring that we crave, but being busy, stressed and tired tends to be in the way for much of the time. Even the modern way of connecting via constant online communication seems not enough to nurture our need for sharing and being there for others.

Listening seems a rare commodity where people often don’t have the time or patience to be with others unless we are doing business or having sex.

Despair, loneliness, withdrawal, isolation or self-destructive temptations  (drugs, alcohol, gambling) may creep in and take over most of our existence.

The trend is towards less human contact and desperation…

If you can resonate with this cameo of living, I would like to remind you that you are not the only one experiencing this. There are many people on the same journey, but silent desperation often covers over this.

I would suggest a healthier way is to reconnect with people you care about. However, if people around you seem also busy, stressed and tired, maybe a professional connection could shed some light or open new possibilities on your circumstances.

If you live in London, don’t hesitate to contact the counsellors and psychotherapists at Regent’s Practice. We are here to listen and we offer you time to express and the space to start to reconnect to your human existence.

Marco Cortez

Psychotherapist/Counsellor

Regent’s Practice in London W1

http://www.regentspractice.co.uk/

Anorexia and bulimia hitting women in their 30s to 60s

In Saturday’s Guardian it was reported that psychiatrists are seeing more sufferers from anorexia and bulimia in their 30s, 40s, 50s and even 60s. Here's the link to the article.

These are women who are presenting with their first episode of eating disorders that are usually associated with girls in their teenage years. The Guardian article cites reasons such as relationship breakdowns, the menopause, giving birth, children leaving home and the pressure to remain youthful. Looking at that list there appears to be nothing new, nothing that women haven’t weathered over the centuries. So why this increase in late onset eating disorders now?

Both anorexia and bulimia are isolating conditions through which the sufferer slowly communicates his, but usually her, deep- seated unhappiness to their families, friends and the world by how they behave and look. That teenage girls might struggle with how to manage their life changes and feel unable to voice their situation is not so surprising. However, as women get older one might expect they are more secure in being able to communicate an inability to cope.

It appears that despite the fact there are more ways to communicate than ever before - phones, texting, emailing, twittering, facebook, blogging! - some older women are feeling isolated and are not able to express their feelings. For all of these new conduits of communication, some things are not being said. Something is lost and the new technologies cannot replace more traditional ways of being together.

Perhaps what it missing is a time and space to consider emotions with other human beings, an opportunity to be seen and witnessed by others. 

This is something a talking therapy such as counseling or psychotherapy can also offer. As older women face life changes that have always existed along with the newer pressures of our time, it might be worthwhile to take stock and discuss how they are managing their transitions.

Jane Curzon

Psychotherapist and counsellor

Regents Practice in London W1

www.regentspractice.co.uk